Memoirs of a Plastic Giraffe

 

Background:

My earliest memory is from three-year-old daycare. It was run by the school district that employed my mother, and the daycare was actually held in one of the school buildings. Interestingly enough, and I wouldn’t learn this until many years later, that building doubled as the district’s high school for troubled students, teen moms and students that could not learn in traditional learning environments. I only have a small handful of memories of little three-year-old me bumbling around in daycare, and I cannot be sure exactly which of the memories technically came first, but this is my most vivid memory from that time.

It was Toy Time, and while other kids played with cars or absentmindedly stared at the pages of a book they couldn’t read, I played with the animal toys. In particular, I liked the plastic giraffe. Much to the annoyance of the daycare workers, I played with the toy giraffe by throwing it into the sink, which I could not reach into, and then running to get one of the workers to save the giraffe from drowning in the sink. The worker would rescue the giraffe, return it to me, and then I would promptly throw the giraffe right back into the sink. The worker would retrieve the giraffe a few times and then refuse to do so unless I agreed not to throw it again. I, of course, promised not to throw the giraffe again, got the giraffe back, and then threw the toy elephant in the sink.

I think this memory says a lot about me; I’ve always been just a little too ‘clever’ for my own good. I like to stir the pot just enough to keep life interesting while never really getting in trouble or causing problems. However, if one looks a little deeper at the memory, I think one might see other aspects of me; critical thinking and a slight predisposition to challenging authority.

Now, one might say that I wasn’t really showing any sort of critical thinking by frustrating the daycare workers, but I disagree. I only liked the giraffe; the other animal toys were essentially meaningless to me. The elephant toy was little more than a means to an end. I recognized that I would not get the giraffe back if I threw it in the sink again, but I also wanted to continue my ‘game’ of throwing toys in the sink, so I had to reconcile the goal of keeping the giraffe with the goal of continuing the game. I realized I could achieve both goals; by throwing the elephant, I got to keep playing the game for at least one more throw, and I got to keep playing with the giraffe.

I think the slight predisposition to challenging authority is obvious enough from the memory. It’s still something that I deal with today, but I think I’ve figured out the root of the issue. It’s not so much that I dislike authority, in fact, at college, a number of ‘authority figures’ have become great mentors and helped me through times of hardship. So, it’s really not a problem of being rebellious, it’s more of an issue of liking to be in control of my own schedule and I dislike being told to do something ‘because someone said to do it.’ That second part might not be clearly different than just being rebellious, so let me explain. I am completely okay with doing as I’m told, however, when no reasons are given or there is clearly a faster/more efficient way of completing a task, I ‘challenge’ authority by asking ‘why’ or pointing out the better way of doing something. After working a lot of minimum wage jobs throughout high school and college, I have a few examples to shed some light on these qualities.

For instance, as a high school senior, I worked at CiCi’s Pizza. The owner and managers were nice, the co-workers were nice, and I generally got along with everyone, but I utterly lacked control over my schedule. That seems understandable; I was a high school kid, so I shouldn’t really get to dictate my own hours, but why bother hiring a high school student if you plan on scheduling him during school hours? See why I might be dissatisfied with authority figures? I continued working into the summer and the problems continued, but in a different manner. I would show up to work, work for about 20 minutes, and then the manager would claim that the restaurant wasn’t busy enough to justify paying me to be there, so I would be sent home. It was never a disciplinary situation; the restaurant really would be empty and the manager had to meet certain profit/payroll ratios. However, I loathed being unable to control this. I had no control over my own time. I would plan my week around working 30+ hours, only to end up working less than 7. The situation and lack of money was frustrating, sure, but the aspect I truly hated was that I was completely unable to do anything that would give me more control over my own time. I still struggle with this aspect today, but it manifests in different ways and I have much more patience, so it’s less of an issue now.

Let’s jump forward in time a bit, to summer 2014. I was working at Sport’s Authority after walking out of my job at Academy. The head manager at Academy had falsely accused me of corporate fraud and defrauding the store, both of which seem awfully difficult to do as the mere cashier that I was. Long story short, the manager had come up with a store promotion to give away a $50 giftcard whenever someone bought certain sunglasses, no strings attached. I pointed out that people were abusing the promotion and in a long, confusing string of events, I ended up walking out of the store feeling betrayed and disgusted. I had been trying to help the store, but it blew up in my face because the manager tried to pin the store’s losses from his flawed promotion on me. The next day, I got a job at the Sports Authority across the street.

The Sport’s Authority store was struggling; it was regularly the least profitable in the region and corporate was getting frustrated with the store, particularly because the store was not meeting the required dollar amount of online sales. When I got there, the established ‘way’ of getting customers to buy online from the store was clearly created by someone that hadn’t grown up using the internet. So, I ignored the ‘script’ and did it my own way; I worked there for a month, and in that month, I doubled the online sales made by all other employees for the entire year. It was easy because I wasn’t using the ridiculous script. However, when the manager listened to me describe the online ordering to a customer, he got mad that I wasn’t using the script. After explaining how my own ‘script’ worked, he still failed to accept that I had come up with a better way of doing things that obviously worked; I had generated $28,000 in online sales for the store in a month when all other employees combined didn’t even break $12,000 in a year.

I use this example to show why I ‘challenge’ authority. It’s not rebellious. I ‘challenge’ authority by rationally explaining and considering other options that might be better than the chosen course of action. Why in the world would someone, in this case the Sport’s Authority manager, not realize that there was proven to be a better/more efficient way of doing something? It was mindboggling. Perhaps this example comes across as vain on my part, but that is not my intention. I use this particular example to show a case in which there was clearly a better method, and an authority figure ignored that method in favor of something that didn’t work.

Now, one might ask how this information relates at all to my life as a whole. It shows a pattern of action in my life and a basis for the way I operate; I want to know why I do things, and I want to do them in the best method possible.

BIC and Baylor:

I wish I could say that I joined BIC because I knew exactly what I was getting into, but truth be told, I joined BIC because a guy in my high school youth group was bragging that he applied. I applied and got accepted before him. It was a matter of personal pride; we were regularly in competition on various things and I ‘got the better of him’ in this instance. He still got accepted, but I got accepted first and faster. I had, of course, done a little research on BIC and understood that I would be taking different classes than other students, which I thought would be neat. I love reading and writing, and the BIC had that in spades, so I figured it would be a better fit than ‘regular’ classes, so I decided to follow through and join the BIC.

While my reason for joining BIC might seem underwhelming, my reasons for staying have defined my entire being and set me on a path that will shape the rest of my life.

I came to Baylor as a Chemistry major. I had been highly encouraged to become a Physician’s Assistant, which requires less school than being a doctor, but pays quite a bit. I was told that money would make me much happier. While it might make life easier, I’m not convinced it inherently makes a person happier. On my first Monday of class at Baylor, I knew that chemistry was not my calling. From the moment my chemistry professor started speaking, I knew that I was never meant to become a physician’s assistant or work in the sciences. In a panic, I called Dr. Nogalski and scheduled an appointment; I scheduled it during the Wednesday meeting of the chemistry class because I knew I was never going back.

The decision was highly influenced by the very first reading for Examined Life. It came from Parker Palmer’s “Let Your Life Speak” and encouraged readers to find their vocation in life. I wanted to do more than ‘have a job;’ I wanted to thrive. The text resonated with me and contributed to my decision to drop my chemistry major. I became an Undecided major for the entirety of my freshman year. I knew that I loved my BIC courses more than anything else, but you couldn’t major in BIC, so what could I do? I took a few courses in different areas of the Humanities until I found one that felt like the right path: philosophy.

I had encountered philosophical concepts in my BIC classes, but after taking a philosophy class on C.S. Lewis and another on Logic, I was absolutely enthralled with the field. I wanted to learn everything there was to know; I laid awake at night wrestling with concepts that I just couldn’t completely wrap my brain around.

As I delved deeper into the major, I was awed by how well the philosophy classes helped me in the BIC classes. I was able to grasp abstract concepts and interpret texts that classmates struggled with. My reading and writing skills were honed in both classes and I was able to excel in the BIC and in my major. It also helped when class content overlapped; at first, I was a little frustrated that I would have to read the same texts multiple times, but with each reading, I learned more and getting the different perspectives of multiple professors helped me gained a more complete understanding of the texts.

I think my predisposition to challenge authority manifested in my philosophy major. I was finally given room to question things and wrestle with complex issues in hopes of finding a way to resolve an argument. I could ask ‘why’ as many times as I desired. Majoring in philosophy showed me that I shouldn’t just accept things at face-value; I should attempt to understand everything about an issue before trying to move toward a solution. In particular, one has to look at unspoken aspects of arguments and sift through rhetoric in order to really examine whatever it is that is being presented. Further, I liked working with arguments to see if there were ways to better refine them; some of my best papers have involved reworking arguments to make them stronger or posing counter-arguments to imprecisely written arguments that leave themselves vulnerable because the premises are not properly defined.

BIC fostered my love for learning. I love thinking about things and figuring out what an author is trying to impart on readers. BIC made me want to become a professor, and until this past summer, that was my goal. I wanted to go to graduate school in philosophy and maybe even come back to teach in the BIC. However, those plans have changed slightly, but BIC had a significant role in that, too.

After realizing that becoming a philosophy professor is incredibly unlikely and being unsure of whether or not I could make it, I came to the conclusion that it would be better for me to go to graduate school in something else. For a while, I debated going into law. My skills in reading and writing would certainly help, but my heart wasn’t truly into it. I was at a loss, and I went to discuss my situation with Mr. Moore. We were talking, and I asked how he got involved with the BIC. He said that he got a master’s degree in Higher Education and Student Affairs, a degree that opens doors into college administration. Interested, I asked about the program and after learning a little more, I was hooked. It sounded great. If I had never been in BIC, I would have never known Mr. Moore and might not have ever been exposed to the existence of graduate programs in college administration. Not only that, but Mr. Moore personally knows the director of Baylor’s Higher Education and Student Affairs program and was able to get me a meeting with him. I’m now on track to get into a program and become a college administrator.

BIC has taught me to inherently value other people. Regardless of their background, opinions or religion, I can find common ground with someone because we are both humans. More than that, I value the chance to learn about other people and get to know them.  BIC has given me to opportunity to forge relationships with people in a fairly unique way, even for a BIC student.

I was hired as a Peer Instructor for my junior year at Baylor and I was overjoyed. My own peer instructors had been very uninterested in the classes and never really got involved other than grading quizzes, but one of the other peer instructors made up for that. His name is Brent, and he was really invested in all of the BIC students that he encountered. I attended his review session and from then on, he would say hello if he saw me on campus, remembered my name and talked to me before World Cultures lectures. My PIs had never really done that. I’ve strived to really invest in my students and I’ve found it extremely rewarding. My first students are now going into their second semester of sophomore year and I still check in with them from time to time. After a little help and guidance about college, students that struggled at the beginning of the semester are now exceling in their classes. It’s been great to help with these transformations and it’s solidified my desire to work in college administration. If I could do the same level of mentoring on a larger scale by going into administration, it would be an amazing career.

I am incredibly thankful that BIC freshmen are placed in Welcome Week groups with their Examined Life class. I met some of the people that would become my best friends throughout college because they were in my Welcome Week group. Not only did I meet BIC students that would become life-long friends, I met the girl I’m going to marry. I met Katie on the first day of Welcome Week. We talked a little over the course of the day, but everyone in the group talked to each other. However, on the second day of Welcome Week, she mentioned that she was having difficulties getting her laptop and printer working on the Baylor Wi-Fi and asked if anyone knew what to do. Now, I’ve always been a technophile and can work pretty much any sort of technology with little instruction, so I knew that I could set up the equipment for her, but I didn’t want to immediately say that. I waited a few moments as everyone sort of looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders, then I said I wouldn’t mind coming to take a look at it. I got everything working in a few minutes and Katie was very grateful. As classes started, I was happy to find out that she was in my Examined Life class and also in my Rhetoric class. We talked for a few weeks and spent time together outside of class; in particular, I remember climbing the trees outside the SUB with her and her roommate. I ended up cutting my forearms on the tree bark, and Katie cleaned up all my cuts and gave me some bandages. About a month after meeting during Welcome Week, we went to dinner and officially started dating. We’ve been together since then. Without BIC, it’s incredibly unlikely that I would have ever met Katie. I don’t know where I’d be without her.

In terms of improving BIC, I think there are a few things that should at least be considered.

First, Examined Life. If I could go back in time to take this class again with the experiences that I have had since this class, I would work so much harder at getting to know my classmates. As a freshman, I only got to know about 7 people in the class of about 18 people. This is mostly my own fault, but perhaps encouraging the students to form groups to go to the required ‘outings’ would help. Most importantly, I think the issue of class discrepancy needs to be addressed. The professors vary wildly in what they expect from their classes, and not necessarily in a good way. When I took the course, I made 1000 out of 1000 points for the class, not because I worked particularly harder than anyone else, but because all assignments were essentially completion grades. However, my friends would constantly complain that Examined Life was difficult because their professors were harder graders than my professor. As a PI, I’ve heard from two years of freshmen that the same thing is still happening. Some professors make everything a completion grade, others grade harshly. I’m not advocating one approach over the other, but I tend to think the class is more about getting students to foster friendships and reflect on themselves instead of a class that should require nose-to-the-grindstone amounts of work. At the very least, it might be beneficial to put the classes on a more level playing field. It’s very frustrating – sometimes to the point of being divisive – to see other students being handed an A, which doesn’t really foster the comradery that Examined Life encourages.

This next potential criticism is something that older BIC students are almost assuredly unaware of: laptops are banned in World Cultures I and II Large Groups. This change is perhaps justified and studies show that one learns better by writing than typing, but the professors have not altered their presentation style to accommodate the change. Simply put, the Large Group lectures cover far too much content far too quickly to write down. A vast majority, if not everyone that is ~19 years old, can type much quicker than they can write, which meant that students could keep up with the professors. Now, once students get behind in large group, they visibly give up and stop paying attention. I’ve seen dozens of students just throw down their pen or pencil in frustration because they simply cannot keep up with the professors. This problem is compounded by two more issues; lecture materials (PowerPoints/etc.) are not put on Canvas and exams have become increasingly heavy on Large Group material. I think there are two solutions to this problem; either reduce the material covered in Large Group lectures so that it can all be covered at an appropriate pace or professors need to make lecture materials available to students outside of the Large Group lecture.

Other than that, I’m not sure that anything needs to be improved. Capstone and Cultures 5 have been two of my favorite BIC classes, and since a lot of students are not required to take them because of their major, I think those students are missing out. Sure, they have the option to take the courses, but most do not take them and they don’t really know what they’re missing out on. Making it a requirement would also mean that more classes would become available, allowing for an increased diversity of interesting classroom content. In the same line of Capstone/Cultures 5, having time slots in both semesters might also be beneficial. I had to take Cultures 5 as a summer class because I could never fit it into my schedule.

College made me more aware of the world around me. This is mostly thanks to BIC, but also to the general exposure to different people. BIC classes have been by far the most enriching and interesting classes of my college career. I’ll never forget the World Cultures trips; I’ve never had a bad experience with the trips and our hosts have always been incredible to us, which really helps to break down barriers between students and people of other cultures/religions. Like a lot of Baylor students, I came from a middle-class Christian suburban household with little exposure to other religions. One might think that attending the largest Baptist university in the world would be ‘more of the same,’ but really, the opposite is true, primarily because of BIC. I’ve met so many different people, from almost every conceivable religion, from all walks of life. I’d like to think I’ve learned something from everyone I’ve encountered, and I’m not sure there’s much more I could ask for in a college education.

As I move forward, I recognize the differences in people that make them unique. No one is ‘the other’ anymore; I see everyone as someone to get to know and value. BIC, coupled with my philosophy major, has sharpened my critical thinking ability to a razor-edge; I see things in a radically different way than I did before I entered college. As I said earlier, I’ve always liked to ‘stir the pot,’ but now I do so in a more appropriate manner, perhaps to shed light on a political issue or look at some particular issue from another perspective. Further, I can think more deeply about an issue and consider what contributed to its formation, see why one might agree or disagree with it, and realize that nothing is as simple as it first appears. This is an invaluable skill, especially as I look to move into college administration. While it might have contributed to an untold number of late nights and a lot of stress over the years, BIC has been more than a series of classes; it has been a formative experience that will shape the rest of my life.

 

Required Post on Waking

This book is heart-wrenchingly difficult to read and the description of the hospital scenes brings back terrible memories.

I cannot imagine enduring the tragedy that Matthew Sanford went through, but I have a lot of experience sitting in waiting rooms and sleeping in hospital room chairs, so I can empathize with his mom and brother. As I read, I thought “This is so hard to read so soon after my grandparents passed” only to realize that it has been almost a year since the funerals. Most of last Fall was spent travelling between Waco and Humble, Texas to check-in on my grandfather’s health. When I simply couldn’t make it home for a weekend, I was on the phone, getting updates on his declining health. I never lost hope, at least, not until near the very end when it was clear there was no coming back. It made life hard, especially as a college student. My mind was rarely on my schoolwork. I had never lost a family member until this past January. It got was even worse in the spring semester; stricken with grief, my grandmother passed away shortly after, at the beginning of February. In addition to the emotional toll, this took an academic toll on me; one professor forced me to drop his class or fail me for missing an assignment, despite telling me that I could make-up the assignment once I returned. I become deeply bitter every time I see that professor…

I can’t imagine how Matthew’s brother managed to carry on so well despite what happened to his family. I can only imagine the emotional scarring that occurred.

The distrust that Matthew has for his body – at least until around college – is interesting. Most people at this age would be concerned about whether their body looked good, how muscular they were, whether or not they could lose a little weight or if they should spend some time in the sun. Matthew, however, fears his body because he has little control over his body and worries that it could betray him at any time. His body might do something out of his control – like the intestinal accidents that occurred in school – or that his body could be so fragile that it simply breaks, like the time he fell from being tickled and nearly broke his neck.

I’m not sure where I stand on the mind-body connection. The mind-body connection, sometimes mind-muscle, connection is a phrase brought up on weightlifting forums that is not properly defined, but generally means something like ‘building one’s mental ability to the point of being able to flex/strengthen a particular muscle.’ From a scientific standpoint, the mind-muscle connection is generally discredited. In reality, a person is just realizing how to properly engage that muscle during a lift. A similar phenomenon is observed in people that can wiggle their ears or raise one eyebrow higher than the other. They’ve simply realized how to do something they could do all along. If Matthew mentions the connection in this sense, then I completely understand what he means. Perhaps he’s just using the phrase as a coincidence and it just describes what he is feeling, but the mind-muscle connection is generally considered pseudo-science.

Doubt

 

These sutras hit home immediately; doubt and the inability to rest are abundantly apparent in my everyday life. As my GRE quickly approaches, I find myself filled with doubt. What if I don’t get a high enough score? What if I get hung up on one problem, get anxious and become too distracted to do well on the rest of the exam? It’s very frustrating and feels like I am waging a mental war with myself. The program wants a 300 on the GRE, a score that is exactly 50%. I have taken dozens of diagnostic tests in varying degrees of difficulty and have been predicted to make a 320 out of 340, with a small margin of error to account for variance in test questions that actually show up on the exam. My brain knows that I have the capability to do well and I think I know that I will succeed, but there’s this ever-present doubt that just eats away at me…

 

Making time during the day for yoga practice has become near impossible, so I have started practicing just before I try to sleep. I am unsure if the change in timing has impacted me. My quality of sleep has been very sporadic lately and there are no discernable variables that account for whether or not I sleep well. Perhaps practicing at night has helped me fall asleep faster, but I still wake up regularly throughout the night. However, I guess a lot of waking up can be explained by my sore back, detailed in the next paragraph.

 

I was practicing headstands at my house this weekend and my left side just sort of gave out. My left shoulder/side collapsed, causing me to fall over, and I landed on one of my rain boots that I had forgotten to move far enough away. I ended up with a small bruise on my leg, but more worryingly, my left shoulder blade/back have been feeling horrible since I fell over. I cannot walk, sit, lay down or even breathe without feeling pain in my back. I don’t think it’s a rib injury – that doesn’t really make sense when it was my shoulder/arm that gave out and caused me to fall – and I think it will go away relatively soon as it feels more like a muscle injury. Advil has helped mitigate the pain, but even at high doses, just breathing causes me to grimace at the pain. The whole thing is strange; my old injury is my right shoulder, so if anything, I would have expected that side to give out, but it was the other one. I’m already scheduled for a check-up over Thanksgiving Break, so if the pain is still occurring that far in the future, I can ask the doctor about it then.

Gunas and Gummy Bears (Required Post on Yoga Sutras)

Right off the bat, many people are going to have trouble practicing yoga because the second verse says that Yoga is the ‘stilling of the mind.’ Personally, I find it incredibly difficult to stop my thoughts. I’m always thinking about something, turning over decisions in my mind, imaging different outcomes to scenarios if I had just done X, Y or Z differently and worrying about various things. If I could just ‘still my mind,’ I’d be much more relaxed, have lower blood pressure and would be able to fall asleep easier. Being told upfront that Yoga is ‘the stilling of the mind’ makes Yoga seem like a daunting task. How am I supposed to dwell in my own true splendor if my mind is overly restless?

I do not think that I could honestly claim my gunas are balanced, but I’m not exactly sure how imbalanced they are, either. If Tamas means sleep/laziness, I have a rather severe lack of Tamas. I’m always running around to do something, attend some event, answer emails or finish schoolwork. I rarely have free time, or even time to relax. In my case, it almost seems like having more Tamas would be beneficial and eliminate some stress. Is it possible for a lack of Tamas (a bad quality) could cause problems? If so, it sounds strange to say that a person is ‘worse off’ for having less of a bad quality.

On the topic of Rajas, I think I have too much. I am passionate about a lot of things and have a lot of attachments/desires. I want X, I would miss Y if it wasn’t there any more, how could I live without Z? It’s obvious to me that being too attached to things is negative and causes a person to lose sight of what is truly important (God), but it’s less obvious how being passionate is ‘bad.’ Is it a matter of moderation? For instance, if someone is incredibly passionate about Gummy Bears and another person says that chocolate is a far superior candy than Gummy Bears, it would be bad for that person to fly into a rage and be angry with the person that likes chocolate. However, if instead of getting mad, the person engaged in a discussion about the merits of Gummy Bears, that seems like a more moderate response and a situation in which a person’s rajas is under control. Can someone have too much Rajas in regards to God? Could someone be so passionate about God that it is bad? The text doesn’t really offer a clear answer, other than telling readers to balance the Gunas.

I’d like to think that I’m at least balanced in my Sattvic and Rajasic qualities. For instance, there are times when I can get very passionate about a subject and become frustrated/angry when arguing about the matter, but I can almost always control this and keep things civil. Depending on the subject, it can at times feel like I have a short-temper but a superhuman level of patience. It’s a strange feeling and hard to put into words, but it’s sort of like having an extreme emotional reaction to a matter, but knowing to suppress that reaction because I know that the reaction would only make a situation worse. Like I said, difficult to explain, but it does seem like my Sattva and Rajas are at least equal, if not a little in the favor of Sattva for knowing when/how to control emotions/passion when the need arises.

Please Pass (On) The Salt

This section of the reading opens with Arjuna asking about Sattva, Rajas and Tamas and how to determine if a person is exhibiting one of these qualities. The food section was intriguing and I wonder about its historical context. It seems like anything salty/spicy is considered ‘bad’ or at least worse than ‘normal food’ that Sattvic people eat. Could this be because salt and spices were a fairly expensive commodity? It would be bad for people to spend significant portions of their income on these items, especially if it means having to go without necessities in order to have tasty food. It would make a lot of sense to attribute the qualities of ‘pain, grief and disease’ to this because spending all of one’s money on salt/spices to flavor one’s food could definitely lead to negative consequences when one needs money for clothing or shelter. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this, but it would make a lot of practical sense to tell people that ‘normal food’ is the best and discourage what could be considered frivolous spending on making intricately flavored dishes.

Class on Thursday was very different than typical classes. Since there were so few people, we did a lot of work in the chairs, particularly with twists. Some of the more difficult poses strained my shoulder/back, but I was able to do all of the poses, even the crazy inversion/shoulder-stand thing at the end of class. I felt great the rest of the day and slept decently, but when I woke up the next morning, I felt terrible. My entire back was sore and extremely tight; I think I might have seriously overdone the twists. I wouldn’t call it pain – there were no sharp/stabbing feelings of pain – but I was horribly sore Friday and Saturday. Technically, I guess I could have just slept in a weird position and it just coincidentally lined up with the day we did the twists, but that seems unlikely. I think I just need to go a little easier on the twists to avoid this in the future.

Outside practice has been fine. Grad school applications and GRE studying are eating up all of my free time, but I’m still managing to find time for yoga. I like going through the Warrior sequence of poses, particularly (What I think is) Warrior 3, where one foot is planted on the ground and everything else is parallel to the ground. My Downward Dog has gotten much better throughout the semester, but I still cannot bend at the waist far enough to keep my heels planted on the floor. I’m worried I might have hit a plateau on that pose until I can figure out how to hinge at the waist. I saw a strange pose on Facebook the other day. I have a friend that teaches Yoga at some retreat center in Houston and she regularly posts about yoga. This one was a picture labelled ‘Firefly’ and just looked weird. It’s like Crow pose, but instead of resting knees/shins on triceps; you just sort of swing all the way up and put your feet in the air by your head.

Required Gita Post (11/5)

This was my third time reading through the Bhagavad Gita, and while I learned more than I did than my two previous readings, much of the Gita just seems untouchable. Perhaps it’s a translation issue and certain words/concepts just don’t translate that well into English, but the material in the last few chapters (11 to the end) are far from clear.

I wish that we had gone through the Gita before World Cultures I did; I would have been much better equipped to teach my students, but this is more of a personal wish than any sort of complaint. It’s hard to teach a text that you barely understand yourself, but reading it for this Capstone course cleared up a number of issues that I couldn’t previously wrap my mind around.

For instance, I could not fully comprehend the Gunas. I understood the differences between Tamas, Rajas and Sattva, but I didn’t understand that the Gunas are not entirely ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ If I’m honest, I still don’t fully understand how Sattva (which seems to be the quality of being good) can even be considered a bad thing, but I do have a fuller and more accurate overall understanding.

I also didn’t appreciate just how far the concept of moderation was taken. In my mind, I understood it as “All things in moderation, even moderation” but it seems like the correct way to interpret the Gita’s stance on moderation is “complete detachment from emotions and physical objects in favor of pursuing God.” That’s radically different from my previous thoughts; the Gita is actually teaching how to be free from earthly desires while I thought it just meant to balance the different aspects of one’s life.

I really like the way that Krishna talks about Maya, or illusion. Illusion is the word used in the translation, but I think ‘perspective’ might actually be a better word. Krishna says that most people only ever see Maya; they never see Brahmin in everything, they just see things for what they are. A dog is nothing more than a dog to people stuck in this perspective. Once they transcend Maya and gain a new perspective on the world, they are able to see the truth. I don’t think illusion works as well as perspective, because it doesn’t seem obvious (to a majority of people) that an object like a rock has any sort of divine nature, so there’s not really an ‘illusion’ of the rock being just a rock. If anything, it means that people are missing a key truth about the nature of the world – they’re essentially stuck in a cave looking at shadows on a wall – and as they learn more about the true nature of the world, their eyes are opened and they gain a new perspective. They’re finally able to see the way that Brahmin is present in things like dogs and rocks.

Frustration

This section was incredibly dense and I struggled to understand anything from the text. If anything, it seemed like this section was just repeating previously mentioned material. Krishna repeats a bunch of stuff about Brahmin being the beginningless root of all things and that there is nothing without Brahmin. Perhaps it is my general frustration and anxiety bleeding over from graduate school applications, but I became unreasonably frustrated with trying to divine meaning from the obscure words of Krishna. It reminds of reading The Analects; I remember learning that Confucius wrote in brief, metaphorical language because the material he had to write on was very scarce. Thus, when he would write a confusing aphorism, his students would ask what it meant and he could explain it to them in more detail. This feels very similar; I cannot seem to understand any new information here and it almost seems like I need an interpreter to derive any meaning from the text.

There was no class last Thursday, so I used that time to work on graduate school applications. Further, my other Yoga class was cancelled on Monday, so I haven’t had a formal class in almost a week. I had to do a lot of outside practice to make up for it.

This outside practice was stressful; it has become very difficult for me to do anything but stress about application deadlines and berate myself for not starting earlier. From there, it just becomes a cycle of getting more and more frustrated with myself and I see anything that isn’t working on an application – even things like homework or yoga practice – as an inefficient way to utilize my time. There’s been a lot of mental turmoil recently. That said, I still made an effort to practice yoga, it just wasn’t the relaxing/freeing experience it was a few weeks ago. Sinus issues made me feel lightheaded/too much pressure in my head during some poses, so I ended up doing a lot of Warrior, Mountain and Tree poses. In addition to these poses, I did a lot of seated stretching and those funny toe/hand hugs to stretch the toes. It didn’t really clear my sinuses, but it did feel good. I tried to relax and destress with savasana, but my mind kept wandering and I couldn’t keep my thoughts under control.

I’m Yogaing In The Rain

I like the gist of this chapter, which I believe is something along the lines of ‘experience trumps knowledge.’ In this case, matter is Brahmin; one that simply learns about Brahmin cannot have as complete an understanding as one who has experienced Brahmin firsthand

I like how this teaching is applicable to everyday life, too. For instance, I enjoy baking simple things. I make bread and pizza. I started with a few simple recipes and refined them; at first, the loaves of bread just turn out quite right, but with a little tweaking of the ingredient proportions, the bread consistently turns out well. The same goes for the pizza dough, except I use two different recipes depending on how I want the crust to turn out. I have experience with preparing the dough; my girlfriend does not. Over the weekend, she made one type of pizza dough – which needs to be cooked at a lower temperature than the other for a different amount of time – and didn’t have experience with that type of pizza dough. Once it was in the 500^O oven for a few minutes, I realized that something was wrong. The pizza had burned to a crisp and the pan was nearly ruined. This could have been avoided with experience; but when one just has knowledge – in this case, a recipe – one makes mistakes that a person with knowledge and experience would not make.

During the torrential downpour that we received this weekend, I had very little free time. My house is very old and much less waterproof than I thought. The basement flooded and our driveway eroded away, trapping all of our vehicles behind the house and unable to access the road. When it became clear that there was nothing we could do until Monday, we were all frustrated. However, I did use the opportunity to go to the upstairs balcony and do some yoga in the rain. I can’t say it was much different than normal yoga, other than that I occasionally got wet from the rain when the wind changed directions. If anything, I was more distracted than usual because of the water/wind and lightning. It was a neat experience, but I will probably refrain from balcony yoga when it is raining from now on.

“Yoga is hard to do, but it’s pretty neat.” -Krishna

Discourse 5

• This discourse opens with Arjuna asking Krishna which path is better: renunciation of actions or yoga?
  • Krishna says that yoga is better but that a person that practices just one will find the fruit of both
    • What does that mean?
  • 6
    • Says that renunciation is hard to achieve without also practicing yoga
  • 8
    • I think this verse is a lot deeper than it seems at first glance
      • Basically, I think it’s saying that a person joined with yoga does not consciously think that they are doing anything other than living in a way that will lead them to Brahmin. Whether that means seeing, hearing, eating, sleeping or whatever, they do not necessarily see themselves doing specific actions for specific purposes, but see themselves living in accordance with the divine.
    • 17
      • Shaking off evil through wisdom causes one to stop the cycle of reincarnation
    • 20
      • Moderation
        • This just seems incredibly difficult to me. What’s something you love that you could see without feeling happy? For instance, I like cookies, but if someone gave me a cookie, I would just sort of nonchalantly thank them for giving me a cookie. But like, if someone gave me a car, I would definitely be happy and get excited about the situation.
      • 21
        • What do you think about the concept of reaching eternal joy by not clinging to sensations?
          • To me, it almost seems disingenuous. It’s like saying you don’t want to accept a bonus at work because you know that, by refusing to accept the bonus, you’ll get an even bigger bonus offered right after it.
          • This same idea gets brought up in discourse 6, verse 27, so this isn’t a 1-off idea.

Discourse 6

• What do you think about Krishna saying that no one becomes a practitioner of yoga without giving up purposeful intent?
  • This goes back to verse 8 in discourse 5, which is talking about living in accordance with the divine. I’ve liked a lot of what we’ve read in the Gita, but I really dislike the idea of giving up personal agency. Perhaps I’m misunderstanding this passage, but I’m really struggling to wrap my head around the benefit of going through life in this sort of trance-like state.
• 3
  • I think the wording here is important to note.
    • Action will bring one toward yoga, but being quiet shows that one has reached yoga.
    • Is action enough to achieve yoga or will it only ever bring you “closer?” It really makes me think of Achilles and the Tortoise. (Get 2 volunteers, have one be “yoga” and the other one be “action.” Have action walk halfway, then halfway again, then halfway against, and so on and so forth)
  • 8
    • Here’s another verse on detachment
      • A lump of clay, a stone and a piece of gold should all be considered the same
        • Now, I think the significance comes from only seeing Brahmin in everything. Since all that is seen is Brahmin, everything is equal.
        • However, that’s really hard to practice. I joked with my girlfriend about this the other day and asked if she’d rather have an engagement ring or and engagement piece of clay. She was less than amused.
      • 11
        • Did everyone catch this? Just some more info about where to physically do yoga.
          • Where does one get an antelope skin if they shouldn’t harm animals?
        • 17
          • A number of people in this class have physical injuries/pain of one sort or another. In Verse 17, it says that yoga destroys all pain. Now, what does that mean if you have a literal interpretation? Or, does it seem more likely that Krishna means yoga can distract one from the pain and ‘destroy’ pain in that you forget about the pain? I struggle to see how a literal interpretation would stand up under scrutiny. Unlike in How Yoga Works, doesn’t it seem like some injuries are too serious for yoga to fix?
        • 30
          • I just really like the language of this verse. It just seems comforting.
        • 34
          • I think Arjuna is finally addressing what a lot of us are thinking; this all sounds awfully hard. Not only is it difficult, Arjuna says it would be like holding back the wind, which is impossible.

• 40
  • Same with verse 30, I just like how comforting this verse sounds. What happens when someone strays from the path? Krishna says that those people are not lost or destroyed. Basically, it sounds like he understands that accidents happen and everyone can slip up from time to time.
  • He also writes that no one who does good travels the hard road, which sounds sort of like the idea that good people will go to Heaven/break out of the reincarnation cycle.

My outside practice suffered over the past week. I wrote about it last week, but with all the tests and deadlines, I was extremely distressed and found little time to practice. That said, I still did manage to practice, but only a little. I ran through the basics a few times; Downward Dog, Tree Pose, and the different Warrior poses. I also did that one – which I think is part of the Warrior series – where you stand on one leg, put the other leg out behind you and place on hand on the ground by your foot. I really like that pose for some reason.

As for reading reflections, my thoughts are all over the place – as seen above – with my reading and presentation for Tuesday. Across the board, I am not struggling with understanding the book, but the seemingly overwhelming difficulty of following the teachings in the book is still a bit of a sticking point for me. The amount of detachment required seems almost inhuman. Perhaps that just means that an overwhelming majority of people are still trying to ‘join the self with yoga?’

Doing What is Right v. What is Easy

Arjuna’s problem is having to choose between fighting – which would involve killing friends and family members – or refusing to fight and allowing evil to pervade the world. He’s leading the Good army against the Bad guys because a corrupt king has usurped the throne and is passing off the throne to his own, corrupt son instead of to Arjuna’s brother, the rightful owner of the throne. Arjuna is attempting to right this wrong and fight for what is right. However, as he surveys the battle, he realizes that “doing the right thing” will be very difficult – and possibly immoral – because it would mean killing family members and friends. As he contemplates this matter, Krishna assures him that he is meant to fight and that killing his family members and friends is not immoral because his Dharma (duty) is to fight evil, which the friends and family members have aligned themselves with.

This took a while for me to wrap my head around. Krishna is actively telling Arjuna to just kill members of his family and his friends. If anything, it seems like abstaining from the fight should be the obvious thing to do, so why does Krishna encourage him to do the opposite and just kill them?

It’s hard to understand, but I think I get the gist of the issue; since Arjuna’s Dharma is to fight and rid the world of the evil that has opposed him, he must fight. In fact, since fighting evil is his dharma, doing anything else – including refusing to fight – would actually be considered sinful because it would be opposing him dharma. I think this becomes easier for Arjuna to wrap his head around because Krishna also goes on (and more in-depth later) about how life is temporal and that there’s nothing wrong with ending the lives of these people because he would merely be helping them get to their next life faster.

I am unsure how to reflect on Thursday’s class because we did not have class. I tried – and failed – to avoid future suffering in the form of stress/anxiety by utilizing the time I would normally be in class to study, but that failed because I simply have too much to do. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that my out of class practice has suffered tremendously; I only practiced once since our last class meeting and it was very short because I was having too much anxiety about all of my upcoming midterms. Worse still, it doesn’t seem like I’ll have time to practice much outside of class because I have an exam every day from now until next Thursday. It’s all I think about and just the realization that I still need to practice yoga outside of class raises my blood pressure because it doesn’t seem like there are enough hours in the day to do everything. Maybe taking some time to practice would help with stress management, but I think the practice session would just be ruined because I would only be thinking about all the studying/work I have to do.